As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
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Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
water it, i dare you
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?