I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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Just got to our Airbnb!
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
That’s amazing.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.