A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
*pronounces surface like Versace*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
first you must answer his riddles
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor