My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Cndnsd Mlk
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Golf would be better with landmines.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I found your tweet-up…
at ease…shoulder.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel