Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

bury ourselves

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket