*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
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YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.