*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
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*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.