The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough