My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan