Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
⛄️
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.