@SomeChrisTweets

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

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@SortaBad

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

@Izianikapani

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

@3sunzzz

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

@MumInBits

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

@bobsaget

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

@KeetPotato

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

@daemonic3

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?