*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I have a new favorite meme page
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?