[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
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Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Y’all know who you are.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Carpe DM
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow