8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
tell em, edith-anne
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
life finds a way
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap