“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
New favorite tiktok
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.