I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
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I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
this chia pet tastes awful
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.