*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
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I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Ugh but profoundly
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls