I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
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“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me