I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”