date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
me after drinking all the wine:
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?