What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.