People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
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I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Hit me in the face with a bird
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus