[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
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This is not me but this is me
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Mornin
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*pronounces woah like Noah*