Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
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Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did