My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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