my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t