There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
You Might Also Like
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.