Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Oops I deleted….
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.