Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.