You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.