“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday