As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
This is my favorite one of these!
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.