I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Just say no
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.