Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.