@midnightwhale “honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
@Lisa_Laughs_ I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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@midnightwhale 
@StuForReal Maybe jesus needs me in his life
@RichHarris2 95% of dentists recommend teeth.
@LeMay666 I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
@kuuuuuu *When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
@RobbySpankme Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
@_SetTheHook_ So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
@coleycannamama My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
@Aspersioncast Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
@GabbbarSingh Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety