I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.