I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.