Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough