I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?


I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.


*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”


My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?


Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.


Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety