Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

pep talk

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

favorite tropes as memes

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.