What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
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Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough