*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
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Them: You should try keto
Me:
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers