Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
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You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
BRO LMFAO
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
accurate
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.