Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?