Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
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Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.