Baking is just science you can eat.
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Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
2022 will be better than 2021
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
That 👊
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas