If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie