still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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Pringles
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans