Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.