Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That鈥檚 the point, dummy.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there鈥檚 a lot of weirdos out there.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
馃ぃ馃ぃ
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Sometimes it鈥檚 just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
*exercises sarcastically*
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.