me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
You Might Also Like
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Hey i am sexy to you now
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I can’t wait!
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.