Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?