“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
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WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?