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WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
6. me as a lawyer
This forever.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
May never get over this
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Always 🥴
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive