The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours