Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
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Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
How funny!
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?