She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Godspeed, John Glenn
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.