5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
felt that
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick