[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
You Might Also Like
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.